Time to Kiss a Frog

Geplaatst op 09-02-2023

I speak with many women who would like to be in a relationship, but are missing one important ingredient: that elusive Y chromosome in the form of a guy. They bemoan the current state of affairs, and in a “misery loves company” sort of way, talk about it for hours on end with sympathetic friends in the same boat. I recently tried to bolster some women up by saying, “Hang in there, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.” Yes, it’s a cliche and a platitude, but I’ve always believed it, more or less. Then I read a piece by John DeVore at the Loveawake dating site blog, entitled Enough With the Princess Crapola Already!

He starts out by saying that never again does he want to hear a woman say those words. Here is an excerpt that I thought was particularly thought provoking:

“When I hear perfectly intelligent and willful women console each other with fairy tale mantras that promise, with a lot of persistence, they will find a well-heeled prince to care for them, I become conspiratorial. Like most fairy tales, “The Frog Prince” is a mordant little morality tale that cautiously suggests a lady needn’t be so choosy when picking a suitor. Even the more sanitized, and Americanized, versions of “The Frog Prince” offer this moral: personality counts! Allow yourself to be charmed by a talking frog and you’ll be rewarded. But first, you should be happy with only a talking frog. In fact, you should be so lucky to kiss him.”

You know what? I had never thought about it that way, at least not since I was a child. I had forgotten the moral of the story, lazily interpreting it to mean that you’ll date a lot of losers (frogs) before you find a keeper (prince). John DeVore is right, though. The frog turned into a prince only after the princess fell for him in his ugly state. It was a Beauty and the Beast sort of deal.

I’m always preaching to you about looking past the externals to find someone who gets you, someone smart who has something real to give. Of course, a guy’s being ugly is no guarantee of good behavior. I know one stunning girl who dated a pretty ugly guy after tiring of hot douchey guys. I think she believed he’d be grateful to be dating so far upstream, but he turned out to be the biggest dick of all. So the looks thing cuts both ways. The point is, you need to really get to know someone pretty well before you can fall in love with them, so don’t expect fireworks right off the bat. Even Romeo and Juliet needed the Capulet/Montague feud to kickstart their romance.

Marrying for love is a recent development in the history of mankind, relatively speaking. For many thousands of years, marriages were arranged (and still are in many countries, obvs). Sometimes those relationships grew into profound mutual love. But I’d bet it was the rare young woman who got betrothed to a Robert Pattinson look-alike. It really is important to go deeper when you are sizing up a guy. That’s why I’m always telling you that friendship is the best foundation for a romantic relationship. It’s not a prerequisite, but it can be a great way to get started. And that’s why hooking up, with physical intimacy preceding emotional intimacy, so rarely leads to a full-blown love relationship.

JDV goes on to say:

“Love is an opportunity, not a prize. It should be pursued greedily, recklessly, with an adamant heart. Kiss men, and move on. Maybe one day you’ll kiss a guy and he’ll turn into a guy who’ll march through tornadoes to get you tampons, admit when he’s wrong, and eat ice cream naked in bed with you. The point is: give regular people you date the chance to be extraordinary without the maudlin fairy tale expectation. The favor will be returned.

Lastly, ladies: if you’re heartbroken, grow a pair of ladyballs. Buck up, listen to some Patsy Cline, and toss back nice stiff shot of bourbon.”

Ah, I believe there is great wisdom there! I agree that love should be pursued recklessly, with an adamant heart. And if you get burned, that’s life. FIDO. I guess that wasn’t your special frog after all.

Back to those women complaining that they can’t find a good guy: a young man walked in while we were commiserating. He picked up the gist of the conversation and said, “You girls need to go watch Sex and the City and suck it up.” I asked him, “Why SATC?” He said, “Well that was the premise of the whole show. That show was years of women sitting around bitching about the lack of a good guy. What a waste. Get over it and get back out there. That’s what guys do.”

I think that’s good advice. It is important to grow a pair of ladyballs. And by the way, don’t minimize the potential enjoyment of tragedy when it happens to you. There’s always a part of us that enjoys crying, listening to music that makes us cry harder, belting back a few shots bought by sympathetic friends. Think of it as emotional detox. We all need a Bridget Jones weekend now and then. It’s part of the cleansing ritual.